THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, “I’M BLONDE, I’M BEAUTIFUL, I’M GOING TO TORONTO AND I’M STAYING RIGHT HERE.”

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON’T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, “I’M BLONDE, I’M BEAUTIFUL, I’M GOING TO TORONTO AND I’M STAYING RIGHT HERE.”

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON’T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, “YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I’LL HANDLE THIS, I’M MARRIED TO A BLONDE…I SPEAK BLONDE.”

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, “OH, I’M SORRY.” AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY..

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

“I TOLD HER, “FIRST CLASS ISN’T GOING TO TORONTO”

“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies “There’s a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars – A lot cheaper than a doctor.”

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten to 20 seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.”

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart

But none of them rub your dick and say “well done”?

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, ‘Daddy’s gonna eat your fingers,’ pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, ‘What’s wrong, honey?’

She replied…’What happened to my booger?’

The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

He replies, “Yes – caffeine.”

“Have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes,” he says “I was in Iraq for two years.”

The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.” Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles..”

The interviewer grimaces and then says, “O.K. You’ve got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 – and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day.”

The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P..M., why don’t you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?”

“This is a government job,” the inter-viewer says, “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”

The lawyer said, ‘Do you have any grounds?’ The farmer said, ‘Yes, I got 40 acres’ The lawyer said, ‘No, No, you don’t understand, Do you have a suit?

The farmer said, ‘Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.’ The lawyer said, ‘No, no, I mean, do you have a case?’ The farmer said, ‘No, I ain’t got a Case, but I got a John Deere.

The lawyer said, ‘No, I mean, do you have a grudge?’ The farmer said,’Yes, I got a grudge, that’s where I parks the John Deere’

The lawyer said, ‘Does your wife beat you up or something?’ The farmer said, ‘No, we both get up at 4:30.’

By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question ..The lawyer said, ‘Is your wife a nagger?’ The farmer said, ‘No, she’s a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that’s why I wants a dayvorce.’

‘Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint, and we’re Jewish,’ she asks, ‘Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa’s father thinks a bit, then says: ‘No, I don’t think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?’

‘Osama Bin Laden,’ she says.

‘Why Osama Bin Laden?’ her father asks in shock.

‘Well,’ she says, ‘I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot. And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore.’

Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. ‘Melissa, that’s the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.’

‘I know,’ Melissa says, ‘and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the fucker.’

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and — lo and behold! –there sat Bill!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?’

Bill replied, ‘I have been in jail.’

‘Jail?’ cried Sam. ‘ What in the world for?’

‘Well,’ Bill said, ‘you know Sue, that cute little blond waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?’

‘Yeah,’ said Sam, ‘I remember her. What about her?’

‘Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded ‘guilty’

‘The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.’

But after several weeks, his penis had grown fifty centimeters.

Bob became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and when he walked it would hang on the floor. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Bob’s condition (Donkey Doodle,) it could be fixed through corrective surgery.

‘How long will Bob be on crutches?’ the wife asked anxiously.

‘Crutches? Why would he need crutches?’ responded the surprised doctor.

‘Well,’ said the wife coldly, ‘you’re gunna lengthen his legs, aren’t you?

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